What she said....

For days I have been thinking about writing about Monkey and what its like to be his foster mom. Strangely though, I can rant and rave about my feelings to my husband, but find it difficult to put them into words here. Then, low and behold Alison over at Monked and Fifed wrote a beautiful little piece about a young girl who has been spending a lot with her and her family, and her feelings about that little girl not being around much anymore. As I read Allison's words I felt like, this is someone who just gets me.

She wrote about many of the same feelings I have on a weekly, if not daily, basis. Emotions like feeling skeptical about having another kid in my home--especially a needy one, guilt associated with spending time with another child--almost like cheating on your own kids, guilt associated with being a little bit relieved when the child isn't around, upset over realizing that the child just may be better off with you and your family than their own, and sadness when that child isn't around. Also, as we move closer to the time that he will be reunited with bio dad, I feel this nagging pinch of loss. I know that when he is gone for good, its gonna be bad--really bad.

Lately I've been torn between wanting to hug and smooch all over him constantly (knowing that my days are numbered) and wanting to distance myself from him. Monkey has become such a big part of our little family, I've almost forgotten what life was like before his arrival. We are starting to get a little taste of what's to come now that he's started spending Saturdays and Sundays with bio dad. It's definitely much more quiet in the house. Bulldog has no one to fight with over toys, and speaking of toys....the house stays much cleaner on those days because Monkey has a need to play with everything! He has the attention span of a gnat. The last couple of weekends have really made it clear to me how much easier it is to have just the two kids. This is when the guilt kicks in....I know in my heart that this little boy would have a better life and bigger opportunities with my family. It's true. It might not be nice to say, but its true. However, I also realize that without him here, I have more time for my own kids, my husband, and for myself. I feel a little selfish saying that. Life is supposed to be a little fun though, right? Not that he isn't fun--he's an amazing little kid, but he's also a lot of work.

When the day comes, I know the hubs will be heartbroken too. He may not really show it, whereas I will probably be an emotional mess, but I know its gonna be hard for him. Monkey loves working with Ian on the farm. Although all the kids like their outside time, Monkey loves being outdoors the most. He's in heaven watching the horses, riding on the tractor, or just simply playing in the yard. Its so sad to think that in as little as a month he could be living in a small apartment on one of the worst streets in Durham. We have worked so hard with him. When he came to us he only spoke about 5 words. Its amazing that six months later he speaks in complete sentences, has formed familial bonds, has let go of his aggressive tendencies (other than those common to your average 2 year old), and has been removed of his developmentally delayed status. We just hope and pray that the big change he is getting ready to experience doesn't cause him to regress too much. In that way, having a foster child is super frustrating. You pour your heart, soul, and energy into a kid and then you have to send them back to a life that is probably not as good as they one they've lived with you. That's the goal though, right? DSS does all they can to reunite families. Sometimes a little too much, if you ask me. They believe that the best place for a child is with their bio family. I'm afraid that as a foster parent and teacher, I don't necessarily agree with their philosophy....but that's best saved for another post.

Will I continue to foster after Monkey is gone? Not sure yet. Depends on how bad it feels to let go. I'll keep you posted on that one. In the meantime, I'd like to say thanks Allison. Your blog has entertained me, given me good recipes, and most importantly helped me sort through some of the emotions I have on being a parent.

Monkey's second day at our home. He's grown so much since then.

Monkey and Bulldog playing--and nicely at that.

xoxo
~L